You are not afraid of new love. You are afraid of old pain....

When was the last time everything just flowed? 
​
​You meet a person.  You are not looking for them.  You gave up because somewhere you got tired of the discouragements of feeling let down.  They wanted you or you wanted them, but it never was balanced when you are with each other. 

But you meet this person.  It was not somehow expected or planned so you just enjoy the moment and don't question anything because it means nothing more than the moments of joy that eventually will end.

I have abandonment issues, so every relationship is a trial. 

Anxious individuals display a pattern of hyper-activating their attachment to their partner.  This can show up as possessive, dependent, and a fear of rejection.  It is hard to fully express themselves or share issues about the relationship because they fear of losing them.  For me, this is not obvious until I am confronted with a trigger.  

For those reacting to old pain, you may establish firm boundaries to prevent closeness, such as dismissing the opportunity to spend time together and creating space in the relationship as a way to protect oneself.  This is a coping mechanism to overcome the fear and possibility that an old relationship pain can repeat itself. That the new partner will hurt you in the same way that a previous partner did in the past.  This may cause sabotaging the relationship to not get hurt.

To see yourself and thoroughly look deep down inside to feel how you have been not allowing that love to be present in your life.  To face that love that you have pushed away that you wanted so badly and caused pain and disappointment because of your own actions.  They were showing up and you got in your head instead of allowing your heart to open up, you became afraid and shut it down.  What happens when you realize you are finally there? You become overwhelmed, you question, you rationalize, and you become anxious.  Hoping that things would work out and so strongly is the fear that it won't happen is even stronger, so you try to control and push them away even more.  You try to fix things but instead make things worse and start hanging on too tightly. Instead of letting things go to repair because of the stories you tell yourself and how you will deceive yourself that you can change this, you cause a vicious attack on your own pain within yourself.  

Old wounds can be activated without having a major disagreement by something so minor as a slight reaction.   You may even be surprised by a reaction that was significantly more dramatic than necessary.  Unfortunately, after I calm down, it would seem out of character to me as well.  Not only did the other person seem attacked somehow, but they are also punished for something that they have not done.  A perfect relationship then falls apart because of the past that was not yet healed.  

The necessary work is to identify what is the reaction too.  This is sometimes not obvious when you are in the middle of it.  Finger-pointing and accusing are so easy to do.  A skilled perspective and tools help better understand how this can be addressed to the core issues of the past without now acting this out with the partner.  Once this is achieved, more often the issues in the relationship will go away or subside significantly because they are addressed at a much deeper level. 
​
Are you fearing a new love or your painful past?

Cheers,
The Red Ferrari

Owner of Get the Soulmate and Dump the Rest
Author of Love in the 12th Dimension and Twinflames Reunite.

Love In The 12th Dimension
How To Manifest Your Soulmate
Rediscovering Abundance
Next Blog Post
​#DismissiveAvoidant #RelationshipInsights #EmotionalIntimacy #secureattachment #anxiousattachment #relationships